Conroy Announces Clean Feed Technology Doesn't End at the Internet
Tips for staying clean at home
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Senator Conroy shows Sky News viewers how to implement a Clean Feed into their everyday lives. Here he shows how to close your eyes when going to the toilet. The chance of off-spray is worth it.
JANUARY 3, 2008, CANBERRA - Minister for Internets, Senator Conroy, today announced that his Clean Feed technology didn't have to end when people turned off their computers. Speaking to Sky News viewers, Mr Conroy listed several easy steps all Australians can follow to feel safe in knowing his filtering technology was with them every minute of the day.
"Filth available on the Internet doesn't stop at the Internet" Mr Conroy said. "From the moment you step out of bed, to the moment you close your eyes, obscenity can invade your life at any second."
"Take for instance every time you shower -- What isn't on show? I found an easy solution and that was sticky taping a paper silhouette of my body to the bathroom mirror. Now I know at least when I'm in the privacy of my own home, I'm not going to have naked flesh shoved in my face."
Other tips Mr Conroy suggested include:
1) Close your eyes when using the toilet. Sure you may get a little bit wet, but the payoff is you don't see any naughty bits.
2) Avoid places of temptation! Checkout lanes in large supermarkets like Coles and Woolworths are full of magazines with devil flesh on display. Until these stores provide a Clean Checkout alternative, do your grocery shopping online (where not banned).
3) Ask your partner to wear clothes when making love. If they refuse, suggest you both wear a pair of swimming goggles with the lenses blacked out. For increased passion, you might also try inserting a family photograph of your loved one in each eye socket.
4) Turn off the news. Television news and newspapers are full of violent imagery and stories of politicians trying to sneak through lunatic legislation.
5) Burn your child's library membership card and book collection. If you don't want them to see it on the web, why would you allow them to see it in a book?
Mr Conroy asked all Australians to please email their own tips to his department.
This website is fictional. It is a work of satire in response to Australian Government's absurd Internet censorship policy and the former NetAlert policy. Despite national criticism from industry groups, professionals and citizens, Kevin Rudd and Minister for Broadband, Communications and the Digital Economy, Stephen Conroy, plan to implement mandatory internet filtering in 2008.
The dangers of Internet censorship outlined here are real. Educate your children about the internet just as you would warn them about the dangers of everyday life. Australia does not require a Government babysitter. Contact NetAlarmed. Please visit my blog, Somebody Think Of The Children if you would like to find out more information about Internet Censorship in Australia or NetAlarmed.